This photo is the teaser. It is a promise that there is a good story behind it, and that you should take the time to read this post through to the bottom. It's not what you may think, it was worse. For me. My own personal nightmare come true.It has been a long winter for everyone. So in our new neighborhood, there was an event last night at the recreation center for families called "Anthem Winter Blues Cruise". A dinner of Famous Dave's BBQ, and family improv jokes and entertainment by two local brothers. Freakin' sadistic, horrible, mean brothers. My kind of people....until....
The rec center gym was decorated to represent a cruise line, and maybe 100 - 150 people attended - lots of them being small kids. My family sat with our new neighbors and their 8-year old daughter. Easy peasy. When the entertainment started, the kids gathered on the floor up front, as some pretty tame comedy started, along with some simple games, much like Minute-To-Win-It. The small kids were adorable, the larger kids were competitive, but all of them had hands raised to be selected for the next activity. For the most part, the parents hung back at their tables and continued to talk to one another. At our table, the 4 adults (yes - I am putting myself in that category) were commenting how this event isn't what we thought it was. No real activities for the parents. Pretty lame. In fact, we each received 2 drink tickets, but there was no beer or wine, just some funky Rum & Vodka Iced Tea mixtures, so I didn't have any.
Wishing I did.
Suddenly they were calling for everyone to come to the front of the gym to participate in a series of activities where the winners would be selected to participate in a knockoff version of Fear Factor. But they were calling it Squirm Factor. Remember this tame family event? How bad could this be???
I really wasn't thinking about it much, family event and all, but in retrospect, I would've anticipated something involving gummy worms, or a trust fall into the waiting arms of your loved ones? Easy peasy.
But first, these two freakin' warped brothers said the contestant pool needed to be narrowed down to 20, and it would be done by playing a version of Simon Says. I could do that. And if you know me, I am highly competitive, so I was taking this seriously. Within about 5 minutes the field of 100 had been winnowed down to 20. 3 of them being good listeners from our house (now, my wife didn't participate, but she may not agree with the 'good listener' part). Easy peasy.
Next challenge was to narrow the field to 10. I was a lock - first 10 to blow a bubble using a piece of Extra Sour Cry Baby bubblegum would move ahead. Given the field of 20 consisted of many kids, I figured I could work my jaw faster than they could (anyone want to argue with that one?). I knew I'd beat my kids - they don't chew gum...hence, don't know how to blow a bubble. Into the final 10 (8 adults and 2 kids) I went. My son advanced as well because they only had 9 bubble blowers and selected him based on a "cuteness factor" (I think). Easy peasy.
Next up, cut the field of contestants to 5. This was accomplished by pairing up like-sized and gendered people in an activity. In this case, a blown-up balloon is attached to a string, which is tied to your ankle and when the "GO" signal is given, you must pop the other person's balloon. Oh, and you are holding balloon sword for good effect. My son was up first, and he was more interested in the totally unnecessary sword fight, than popping his opponents balloon. He was eliminated. Pressure on me to bring the family reputation into the next round!
I was the last of the 5 groups to go, and was paired with Tom. I was wearing boots, which was good for breakage, but Tom had me by about 20 pounds. At the "GO", he sorta bull-rushed me and had me on the defensive for what seemed like a few minutes (time seems to stretch in your mind in activities like this), but was more like 40 seconds. What I lack in size, I make up for with quickness, guile and determination. And creativity. (I have video of this, but can't get the upload to work - look to Facebook shortly). In the end, didn't need any stinkin' shoes to stomp in his balloon. Not when you trap his string under your foot and have a balloon sword in your hand. One punch, balloon-be-gone. So long Tom, thanks for playing. At the end, I almost broke into a cocky strut! I should've thumped my chest and pointed to the sky. Bring on the next round! Down to 5, only 4 more to eliminate.In retrospect, I should have tanked the balloon pop.
Squirm Factor was only beginning now. That was some build-up.
Each contestant was given two cards. One with a letter A through E, one containing a number 1 or 2. The letter represented an animal/creature. The number represented your exposed neck or exposed forearm. Clue #1. Run far, Ken. Run far. But....family event, toddlers around, safe environment, no TV cameras. Lots of video and still cameras. And two freakin' horrific, never to be invited back again, brothers.
We were lined up by letter. I had E. I was to go last. Clue #2. Run far, Ken. Run far. Didn't think about it at the time, but accordingly to my family, I was set up to go last. They did a big teaser around how each contestant would need to let a creature rest on the neck or forearm (depending on your number) for 3 seconds (a lifetime). Now in the spirit of openness, I don't like bugs, lizards, snakes, spiders, etc. If it looks ugly, keep it away from me. Bring me cute. Bella puppy cute. Boo cat cute.The boy who defeated my son went first. He was about 12, and Brother #1 took out a big Palmetto cockroach. It was about 3 inches in size. Boy didn't flinch as it was placed on his neck. I think I could've done that, as I've seen some roaches like that back in Charlotte - although not that large. The roach didn't move on his neck. Uh....easy peasy. Maybe.
He became a finalist. Yes, I said "he became a finalist". WTH? These weren't the finals???? BTW - anybody could drop out of the competition at this time. My mind was racing.
Next contestant. Next creature. A tarantula. Seriously. Big. Black. Hairy. Gross. Someone get me a shovel, as I'm gonna smack the SH*T out of that thing. I was squirming now, as it was placed on her neck. Did I mention it was big, black, hairy and gross? I would've pulled my best Kramer from one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, and said "I'm out!" But, we had another finalist. Uh-oh. No pressure. My mind was in overdrive.
Tyler was up next. Another creature. A scorpion. Bigger than the tarantula. And oh-so ugly. Tyler didn't flinch as it was placed on his bare arm. My mind couldn't do anything at this point. I was getting numb, dancing around the floor like a little girl, about to wet my pants. These things were getting bigger and worse.
At this point, I am looking at my family, who somehow seemed to place themselves in prime position on the gym floor, front and center, for the great family festivities. As I am looking over at them, shaking my head in the negative, and mouthing "no way", my lovely wife is yelling back "don't look at them!" She knows this is a fear of mine. Each and every one of these creatures. But is she yelling "YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS?" Oh no. And the kids were joining in the chorus. Pressure sucks. I was crazy out of my mind.
Contestant #4. Up til now, the creatures were housed in small Tupperware containers. These "hosts" must live like that creep from Silence of the Lambs. They are building the audience to a frenzy, as one of them reaches under a tablecloth and pulls our a larger storage container. An albino snake of some sort. Maybe 6 inches in diameter and 6 - 8 feet long. To be placed on her neck. She does it bravely. Bitch. (Albeit a very nice one)
If one person would drop out, my path home would be an easy one. I was so prepared to slam my money on the counter with a loud "I'm out". I don't need to be a hero. I have no problem saying "this wuss doesn't need to move onto the final. This is my final!" I have been standing off by myself on contestant row (off to the side of the gym). My pants have a visible wet spot, blood drained from my face. My voice is six octaves higher. But...
A-hole host is like Rod Roddy....Come on down, Ken, you're the next contestant on Squirm Factor.
Thinking creature that is bigger, better, stronger, faster.
And they pull out from under the table one of those large 18 gallon storage containers. Maybe it was 50 gallons. It was large. Clue # 3 - GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! Lots of build up. Crowd in a frenzy. Pee-in-pants is now turning into poop-in-pants. What can it be? A turtle? Please be a turtle.
Pause....AND SHARE IN MY WORST NIGHTMARE
Off comes the lid, and out comes the largest snake even seen not enclosed behind glass at a zoo. Albino white. 40 pounds they say. About 12 - 15 inches in diameter. A big MF. Breed - some kind of python, but I didn't hear which. Best snake breed is a dead one. And I had a number 2 - hold it in my forearms.
Two things going through my mind:
1. To quote Indiana Jones: "Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes."
2. Family: get behind me, I need you for the trust/faint drop. NOW!
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| LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH |
Yes, I am a finalist. Yes, my nightmare isn't over.
Out come small paper plates, and they sprinkle lettuce all over it, and tell us first to eat the lettuce is the overall winner. At this point, my stomach is still doing somersaults, I could vomit at any moment, and I couldn't put anything down, even if it was my most favorite food. The BBQ from earlier was good going down. Coming us was going to be a different story. Lettuce isn't difficult to eat, but at least it was tame enough.
Until they brought out the croutons. Small, plastic containers of croutons. Crunchy, fried, dried crickets and meal worms, which are then sprinkled all over our salad. And they bring out a "Spew Bucket" and set in on the table. My own, personal puke bin.
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| IS THAT MOVING? |
So back to my leg. "What happened", you ask? First, I came right home and took a hot, soapy shower. That snake left some awful smell on my arms. I was still squirming. Then I went downstairs and we fell into an evening routine. Some TV and reading. Two hours later, at 10 pm, I was getting into bed and touched my shin, which had been hurting. It was the size of a softball.
SNAKEBITE!!!!
That would make a great ending to this nightmare. No, rather Tom or kicked me in the shin at some point during the balloon game, as I was really limping right after that. Sorry for that build up!
Now I was scared and with this causing discomfort, and my worst nightmares still dancing in my head, sleep was going to tough to come by.
Epilogue
Swelling is down as of this morning. And my kids showed me up by posing with said Snake after the games ended. Me? I am currently in the process of looking up the address of those brothers. I'm not going to kill them, just going to let the creatures loose in their home to terrify them.
In the end, I am pretty sure I earned some street cred should I ever set foot on Elm Street.
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