Making History....I'm Gonna Be On The Ellen DeGeneres show!

By now you know I am a DREAMER!  Today, we are gonna make history. But I'm going to need a lot of help. Your help.  What are we going to do?  Better yet, you are already probably asking yourself, "Ken, tell me what I need to do? I am ready to go all-in, just because you need me."  Don't want to put words into your mouth, but that's that spirit!!!  I need to give you some Background first, before I share the Action Plan, and The Record.  Read on, 'cause by the end, you'll be chomping at the bit to help.  Oh, and as always, I save a surprise twist for the end.  For you.

 

The Background

 

You probably saw that a few weeks ago Ellen DeGeneres broke some sort of record by having a celebrity selfie photo taken at the Oscars (photo to the left) retweeted more times than anybody previously.  I think it hit somewhere around 3 million, maybe more.  But seriously how could this photo be really complete with celebrities with Matthew McConaughey missing. Alright alright alright! 

 

Now, the selfie photo itself is rather funny. That Ellen is darn creative, and for my money, she is way more genuine than all of her talk show predecessors.  But what you may not have seen was the selfie version taken from the backside. Oh, poor Liza Minnelli (in the blue dress).  She absolutely got squeezed out of the photo that is famous for how it has reached around the world. Relevancy apparently matters in show-biz, and Liza didn't make the cut.

In truth, I wasn't really impressed with the photo. Sure, it contained a bunch of good looking people who make millions of dollars every year.  But it didn't really float my boat.  I don't go all goo-goo and ga-ga over celebrities. I could pass one of the street, look at them, and go on as if it really didn't matter. I'm not one to run up to them and ask them for an autograph. I'm not going to stalk them to see what they do next. And I really don't have an interest in going up to them and asking to have a personal selfie taken.

 

Unless.......I see Jennifer Aniston, Julianne Hough or Diane Lane. Then all bets are off and I'll likely be arrested. There are always exceptions.  I am allowed to have a top five list are right? I mean if it could work for Ross on Friends, why can't I have one? And I only have three names on my list! 

Of course, I need a spot on the list for my wife. Duh. And I'd be hard pressed to come up with one more celeb (I type in willingly as my wife peers in over my shoulder).  

Anyway, I got to thinking to during one of my dreaming moments, What type of photo could actually garner more attention and subsequent action than one with Bradley, Angelina, Brad, Angelina, Julia, and JLaw? 

It needs to be a photo that anybody can relate to, no matter how old a person is.  What is a photo that anyone could look at and smile about?  (I know, besides Jennifer, Julianne and Diane.  It's good to see that you are tracking with me though....)

I have the photo.  One that will bring our the inner child in all of us.  It is one that has a collection of the most popular cartoon characters of all time.  A Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck or Goofy fan?  Check.  Sponge Bob? Check.  Barney Rubble your man? Check.  Some obscure characters? Oh, they are here as well.

Pause...And Dream With Me

We are going to reach millions of people with my request of you.  You see, I need your help because I only have about 230 Facebook friends, of which about 37 are active.  (Yes, that is you, faithful readers of my 6 blog posts).   My network is enough to start a viral movement, but not enough to carry it over the top. 

Oh sure, I could also tap into my extensive group of Twitter followers, but that would mean I'd need to tweet more than two times, and have more than 12 followers.  Yes, I know it is pathetic, but if you can't tell, I don't have time for Twitter.  Limiting me to 140 characters would be....well....limiting.  And I am not into self promotion. That's where you come in :)

But I am willing to bet on you and your extended networks. Because of you, we could get hundreds of people to read this post and smile and THEN LIKE IT, in a matter of hours.   Yes, I know....they will smile because there are awesome photos of Jennifer, Julianne and Diane here.

And for the ladies, I am going to throw in a gratuitous photo of Matthew (thinking he may be on some of your top 5 lists. Or is he the one???)

Anyhooo.....all in your network may actually LIKE IT this blog post on Facebook, because of my action plan.

Imagine if every child today between the ages of two and 10 had a Facebook account (your kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews, cousins). Or that they followed me on Twitter. By pimping out the kids, they would be able to Share this post on Facebook, or retweet it on Twitter.  My cartoon photo would make it around the globe.  Being a big dreamer, I think we'd hit more than 3 million in a matter of minutes! 

 

Now, it doesn't hurt that I've sexed it up with photos Jennifer, Julianne and Diane (and Matthew). But that's besides the point.  However, if getting you to take the actions I list out below requires me to post a photo of someone in your top 5, just Comment at the bottom of this post, and consider it done!  I am not above selling out to set a record.

 

But of course my thinking is flawed. Using kids as my launching pad to a record is uncalled for. 

Instead I need to rely on you… The few, faithful, avid followers who like to read the drivel that I put out periodically. 

 

The Action Plan 

 

If you've gotten this far in reading this blog (I know you have, because you want to see how I pull this altogether!) I have a simple ask of you.  

1. Be BOLD, and share this blog on Facebook (if that's how you're reading it) with your Friends.  Click the Share button, show the Cartoon photo - it'll suck in your network into reading more right away.  My heading will tell them they are going to help set a record.  Viola!  And the photos will make it look like they are reading People magazine.
2. Like this post via Facebook. I bet you I can get something like at least 13 likes within the next 24 hours. That in itself will be a record (of the 7 posts so far).  Likes help me track engagement.  Or some crap like that. 
3. Once that happens we are on our way, and together we can watch the impact of my grand plan.
4. Oh, and write a Comment below (they are anonymous), or on Facebook with this post, with the Top 5 photo you want me to add-in, because it will bring an extra BIG smile to your face, and maybe a little tingle in your nether regions....

The Record

 

How will we know we have a world record of outreach?  It's the counter I have on the right side of my blog. Every visit registers as a page view. I may be at about 540 or so right now, but within the next 24 to 48 hours when this type of post goes viral through all your extended networks, we're going to see that creep into the thousands… No tens of thousands… No millions…. McDonald's, watch out, we're coming.  Billions baby, billions.

 

That is the power of the social network!!  One great post (just go with it), one great team, one great idea of sucking them in with a cartoon photo, and then lots of smiles because of Jennifer, Julianne, Diane and Matthew.  People won't be able to resist the LIKING and the SHARING.  Don't deny human nature people.....

An Even Bigger Dream!

 

But for true big time outreach. I have an even bigger goal. Sure we can reach 3 - 4 million people overnight (have you Shared yet?  Geez, simple ask.  Do it.), but...

 

I am hoping that Ellen sees this post.  I hope that Ellen will share it on her Facebook page and ask her millions of followers to then share it. OMG! Can you imagine that?  Your networks will have started the craze, but....

Ellen is the big time. She has 4.4 Million followers!

I may not be a celebrity stalker, but if she just happened to invite me to be on her show because of what started here today...

I would ask for a selfie with her. In my book, she's right up there with Julianne, Diane, and Jennifer.  She's the 5th spot on my list.

 

And it doesn't hurt that she happens to be great friends with Jennifer! 

 

Wow, this dream keeps getting better....

 

 

Be Careful, I May Be Watching You!

I am a People Watcher.  Not in the Peeping Tom sense, but rather the "what they heck are people thinking" sense.  You know what I am talking about, because you've all been in the situation.  Maybe you don't do it consciously, but once your eyes are on the train wreck, it is really difficult to avert them.  There are plenty of great places for pursuing the hobby of people watching.

Disney World (or other amusement park)
NASCAR race (a must if you haven't tried it)
Shopping Mall (pull up a cozy chair and grab a Pepsi)
Church (keep an eye on the kids!)
Airplane (you are a captive audience)

It is that last place that I have experienced way too many "you have got to be kidding me" moments.  WAY TOO MANY.  Seriously, the amount of whining, complaining, lack of respect for others, invasion of personal space, etc that occurs on a cramped airplane is overwhelming.  It is as if everyone is missing out on the joy of flying and wanting to replace it with an "everyone needs to cater to me attitude".  I don't blame the airlines.  They are running a business, one that is difficult to make a profit at, and therefore have needed to take many steps to increase revenue.  And that is their right.  As consumers, we can choose not to use their product.

What isn't right is when these paying customers treat the employees of said airlines like crap.  They aren't waitresses to fetch food and drink at a whim, they aren't teachers to remind you their are rules to follow, they aren't baby-sitters to tend to your child while they run up and down the aisle, and they aren't bellhops to schlep and lift your luggage into overhead bins.

And that is where my latest experience begins...

A few weeks ago I was traveling back home on Southwest Airlines, which has some of the happiest flight attendants around. Love the humor they use in their announcements.  The planes have open seating, and boarding by numerical order.  Quite efficient compared to other airlines I've been on.  I happened to be in the A boarding group, around number 35, so I was able to pick my preferred aisle seat, probably around row 15.  Quickly stored my bag in the overhead bin, settled into seat, and...

PEOPLE WATCHED...Let the games begin.

Our contestant this time was a middle aged women, a bit larger than average, who packed her carry-on roller bag WAY BIGGER than it should have been.  The length was standard size, but the thickness of the bad was at least 4 - 5 inches too big.  No joke.  Shame on airport personnel for not catching this, as these situations could avoided before the bag ever reaches the plane.

So she is determined to fit her bag in the bin about 3 rows ahead of me and lifts it up and starts shoving.  NO GO.  A kind flight attendant is standing in the row behind my seat and says something to the effect of "that won't fit, this plane is a 300, rather than the traditional Southwest 700, and the bins are smaller".

Should have yelled it, as it fell on deaf ears.  

If there were waitresses on my plane, I was ready to order some popcorn, because this movie was only starting.

So lady takes her nice purple roller bag down, sets it on a seat, unzips the top pocket and pulls out a plastic bag filled with food.  "Good start, but you still got about 3" to go (I think to myself)".  Next attempt she stands up on the airplane seat, and starts shoving even harder. NO GO.  Flight attendant repeats her statement with no visible reaction from paying customer, and now the guy behind her in line starts helping with the pushing, which is only straining how far the bin will bend and sag.  Bag comes down again into seat, more starts to come out of zipper pocket, and I am looking around hoping to order a drink, as the popcorn is sticking in my throat a bit. 

Take three.  Uh. Nope.  Lots of people stacking up in the aisle waiting for this fiasco to end. Flight attendant goes to back of plane and gets on speaker systems and announces for all to hear, "this Southwest plane is a 300, not the traditional 700, and the bins are smaller in size.  Not all your luggage may fit, and you may need to check it".  Whoo-hooo.  Good for her for pointing out where the issue is. I stand up (in my mind) and give her a loud standing ovation.  And ask for a Snickers bar to help get rid of that salty popcorn taste.  Maybe a drink refill too.

At this point, the man is still trying to help stow her bag.  And what does she do??? She asks to sit in my row, and proceeds to take the window seat. No problem there, I am good with that in our free enterprise, open seating system. 

But that's when this movie kicks into high gear. No joke.

Flight attendant comes back up behind me and says "where did her luggage go?"   Lady in the window says "where did my luggage go?"  All passengers are moving well in the aisle now taking their seats.   I look around and realize the guy who was previously assisting has determined this isn't his problem, and he had set her luggage in the middle of a seat below the bin and continued on with his boarding.   You know what I did?  Yep, stood up (in my mind) and gave him a standing ovation.

Now, you may have come to know that my stories on airplanes are true.  I often text my wife with play-by-play of what is happening, with the caveat "I can't make this stuff up".  So in this case, I supported it with a photo.  Bad Ken.  Bad.  Heee-heee!

So somebody else takes up her cause on her behalf and tries to stow the bag, and the next statement I heard was one that nearly knocked me on the floor with laughter.  She is watching this play out and says....

"That bag isn't going to fit. I can see it from her and I'm a rocket scientist."

No joke. I AM A ROCKET SCIENTIST! AND IT IS YOUR FREAKIN' BAG!!!

I couldn't believe it.  No Sh*t Sherlock, or should I say, Einstein.  That bag isn't going to fit. Everyone has been telling you so.  Finally some kind of airline intervention occurred and she thins out her bag, it gets stowed properly, and she settles into her seat.  Then she says to me...

"Is this going to be a full flight?"  Yes, I replied.  The mere nature of the question should have been my hint that there was a 3rd act to this movie, and it was about to begin.  She starts taking out stuff from her shoulder bag, and spreading her folders out on the currently empty middle seat between us. 

Uh-huh! No joke.  I can't make this stuff up.  And I have proof in the form of another photo!  Heee-heee.  Bad Ken. Bad.

And I almost got busted.

Pause....And Dream With Me

What would you have done if you were in my shoes?  With the current state of technology and our ability to capture moments ANYTIME and ANYWHERE, carrying a cell phone with a camera is a dream for People Watchers like me.  While movies are playing out real-time before my eyes, my brain is weaving the story into something even more as I wonder what these people are thinking and how can I tell this story to others.  And then I decide that I need to capture the moment using my technology as proof to the wackiness!

And the key to doing this is not getting caught.  So while I was texting my wife about her spreading her folders out, I also tried to be sneaky and aim my IPhone camera to the left, while holding it waist high, and snap a photo.  And I did.  Only I didn't realize my camera flash was on, and it lit my my aisle and a few others around me with a bright flash.

Ooops!  BIG TIME OOPS!!!

Thankfully, she was kinda bending down in her seat, reaching into her bag (probably to pull out more stuff).  So I quickly turned my flash off .... and took another photo (hey, I came this far, why not see it through), as the first one wasn't aimed well.  Better success with second photo, which was quickly sent off as a text.  And edited to protect the contestant.  Bad Ken. Bad.

Now, there was more that she did on this flight that I won't go into, but she didn't make friends with the original flight attendant she ticked off.  In short, her drink and peanuts service wasn't as good as it could have been.  And since I was buckled in, I couldn't stand up to give one more standing ovation, she instead I gave the flight attendant a HIGH FIVE (in my mind) for standing her ground.  She doesn't get paid enough to put up with people like this.

Eventually during boarding the middle seat was taken by a guy around 25.  No problems there. 
I am a People Watcher on a plane. My quiet time to observe, think, relax, and observe some more.  Everything that happens on the plane is really out of my control, so I look forward to the pilots doing their thing and just taking me home. So I don't engage in too much plane conversation.

However, before takeoff, he turns to me and asks if I am from Colorado.  Yes, I replied.  His next question...

"Is it easy to get weed there?"

Oh boy, People Watching with dialogue???

A Nightmare on Ken's Street

 

This photo is the teaser.  It is a promise that there is a good story behind it, and that you should take the time to read this post through to the bottom. It's not what you may think, it was worse.  For me. My own personal nightmare come true.

It has been a long winter for everyone.  So in our new neighborhood, there was an event last night at the recreation center for families called "Anthem Winter Blues Cruise".  A dinner of Famous Dave's BBQ, and family improv jokes and entertainment by two local brothers.  Freakin' sadistic, horrible, mean brothers.  My kind of people....until....

The rec center gym was decorated to represent a cruise line, and maybe 100 - 150 people attended - lots of them being small kids.  My family sat with our new neighbors and their 8-year old daughter.  Easy peasy.  When the entertainment started, the kids gathered on the floor up front, as some pretty tame comedy started, along with some simple games, much like Minute-To-Win-It.  The small kids were adorable, the larger kids were competitive, but all of them had hands raised to be selected for the next activity.  For the most part, the parents hung back at their tables and continued to talk to one another.   At our table, the 4 adults (yes - I am putting myself in that category) were commenting how this event isn't what we thought it was.  No real activities for the parents.  Pretty lame. In fact, we each received 2 drink tickets, but there was no beer or wine, just some funky Rum & Vodka Iced Tea mixtures, so I didn't have any.

Wishing I did.

Suddenly they were calling for everyone to come to the front of the gym to participate in a series of activities where the winners would be selected to participate in a knockoff version of Fear Factor.  But they were calling it Squirm Factor.  Remember this tame family event?  How bad could this be???

I really wasn't thinking about it much, family event and all, but in retrospect, I would've anticipated something involving gummy worms, or a trust fall into the waiting arms of your loved ones?  Easy peasy.

But first, these two freakin' warped brothers said the contestant pool needed to be narrowed down to 20, and it would be done by playing a version of Simon Says.  I could do that.  And if you know me, I am highly competitive, so I was taking this seriously.  Within about 5 minutes the field of 100 had been winnowed down to 20.   3 of them being good listeners from our house (now, my wife didn't participate, but she may not agree with the 'good listener' part). Easy peasy.

Next challenge was to narrow the field to 10.  I was a lock - first 10 to blow a bubble using a piece of Extra Sour Cry Baby bubblegum would move ahead.  Given the field of 20 consisted of many kids, I figured I could work my jaw faster than they could (anyone want to argue with that one?).  I knew I'd beat my kids - they don't chew gum...hence, don't know how to blow a bubble.  Into the final 10 (8 adults and 2 kids) I went. My son advanced as well because they only had 9 bubble blowers and selected him based on a "cuteness factor" (I think).  Easy peasy.

Next up, cut the field of contestants to 5.  This was accomplished by pairing up like-sized and gendered people in an activity.  In this case, a blown-up balloon is attached to a string, which is tied to your ankle and when the "GO" signal is given, you must pop the other person's balloon. Oh, and you are holding balloon sword for good effect.  My son was up first, and he was more interested in the totally unnecessary sword fight, than popping his opponents balloon.  He was eliminated. Pressure on me to bring the family reputation into the next round!

I was the last of the 5 groups to go, and was paired with Tom.  I was wearing boots, which was good for breakage, but Tom had me by about 20 pounds.  At the "GO", he sorta bull-rushed me and had me on the defensive for what seemed like a few minutes (time seems to stretch in your mind in activities like this), but was more like 40 seconds.  What I lack in size, I make up for with quickness, guile and determination.  And creativity.  (I have video of this, but can't get the upload to work - look to Facebook shortly).  In the end, didn't need any stinkin' shoes to stomp in his balloon.  Not when you trap his string under your foot and have a balloon sword in your hand.  One punch, balloon-be-gone. So long Tom, thanks for playing.  At the end, I almost broke into a cocky strut!  I should've thumped my chest and pointed to the sky.  Bring on the next round!   Down to 5, only 4 more to eliminate.

In retrospect, I should have tanked the balloon pop.

Squirm Factor was only beginning now.  That was some build-up.

Each contestant was given two cards. One with a letter A through E, one containing a number 1 or 2.  The letter represented an animal/creature.  The number represented your exposed neck or exposed forearm.  Clue #1.  Run far, Ken.  Run far.  But....family event, toddlers around, safe environment, no TV cameras.  Lots of video and still cameras.  And two freakin' horrific, never to be invited back again, brothers.

We were lined up by letter.  I had E.  I was to go last. Clue #2. Run far, Ken. Run far.  Didn't think about it at the time, but accordingly to my family, I was set up to go last.  They did a big teaser around how each contestant would need to let a creature rest on the neck or forearm (depending on your number) for 3 seconds (a lifetime).  Now in the spirit of openness, I don't like bugs, lizards, snakes, spiders, etc.  If it looks ugly, keep it away from me.  Bring me cute.  Bella puppy cute.  Boo cat cute.

The boy who defeated my son went first.  He was about 12, and Brother #1 took out a big Palmetto cockroach.  It was about 3 inches in size.  Boy didn't flinch as it was placed on his neck.  I think I could've done that, as I've seen some roaches like that back in Charlotte - although not that large.  The roach didn't move on his neck. Uh....easy peasy.   Maybe.

He became a finalist.  Yes, I said "he became a finalist".  WTH?  These weren't the finals????  BTW - anybody could drop out of the competition at this time.  My mind was racing.

Next contestant. Next creature.  A tarantula.  Seriously. Big.  Black. Hairy.  Gross.  Someone get me a shovel, as I'm gonna smack the SH*T out of that thing.   I was squirming now, as it was placed on her neck.  Did I mention it was big, black, hairy and gross?  I would've pulled my best Kramer from one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, and said "I'm out!"  But, we had another finalist. Uh-oh. No pressure.  My mind was in overdrive.

Tyler was up next.  Another creature. A scorpion.  Bigger than the tarantula.  And oh-so ugly. Tyler didn't flinch as it was placed on his bare arm.  My mind couldn't do anything at this point.  I was getting numb, dancing around the floor like a little girl, about to wet my pants.  These things were getting bigger and worse.

At this point, I am looking at my family, who somehow seemed to place themselves in prime position on the gym floor, front and center, for the great family festivities.  As I am looking over at them, shaking my head in the negative, and mouthing "no way", my lovely wife is yelling back "don't look at them!"  She knows this is a fear of mine.  Each and every one of these creatures.  But is she yelling "YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS?"  Oh no.  And the kids were joining in the chorus.  Pressure sucks. I was crazy out of my mind.

Contestant #4.  Up til now, the creatures were housed in small Tupperware containers.  These "hosts" must live like that creep from Silence of the Lambs.   They are building the audience to a frenzy, as one of them reaches under a tablecloth and pulls our a larger storage container.  An albino snake of some sort. Maybe 6 inches in diameter and 6 - 8 feet long.  To be placed on her neck.  She does it bravely. 

Bitch. (Albeit a very nice one)

If one person would drop out, my path home would be an easy one.  I was so prepared to slam my money on the counter with a loud "I'm out".  I don't need to be a hero. I have no problem saying "this wuss doesn't need to move onto the final.  This is my final!"   I have been standing off by myself on contestant row (off to the side of the gym).  My pants have a visible wet spot, blood drained from my face.  My voice is six octaves higher.  But...

A-hole host is like Rod Roddy....Come on down, Ken, you're the next contestant on Squirm Factor. 

Thinking creature that is bigger, better, stronger, faster.

And they pull out from under the table one of those large 18 gallon storage containers.  Maybe it was 50 gallons.  It was large.  Clue # 3 - GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!  Lots of build up.  Crowd in a frenzy.  Pee-in-pants is now turning into poop-in-pants.  What can it be?  A turtle?  Please be a turtle.

Pause....AND SHARE IN MY WORST NIGHTMARE

Off comes the lid, and out comes the largest snake even seen not enclosed behind glass at a zoo.  Albino white.  40 pounds they say.  About 12 - 15 inches in diameter. A big MF. Breed - some kind of python, but I didn't hear which. Best snake breed is a dead one.  And I had a number 2 - hold it in my forearms.

Two things going through my mind:
1. To quote Indiana Jones: "Snakes.  Why'd it have to be snakes."
2. Family: get behind me, I need you for the trust/faint drop.  NOW!



LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH

What do you do in a situation like that?  Walk away? Or face your fear?  Now, I can tell you what happens, but I'd rather have you watch a video my son shot with my IPhone.  Unfortunately it isn't loading well here, but I'll keep working on it so you can see what fear looks like (Facebook soon I hope).  However, if a picture is worth a thousand words, this photo here is worth War and Peace.  Longest 3 hours....seconds....of my life.

Yes, I am a finalist.  Yes, my nightmare isn't over. 

Out come small paper plates, and they sprinkle lettuce all over it, and tell us first to eat the lettuce is the overall winner.   At this point, my stomach is still doing somersaults, I could vomit at any moment, and I couldn't put anything down, even if it was my most favorite food. The BBQ from earlier was good going down.  Coming us was going to be a different story.  Lettuce isn't difficult to eat, but at least it was tame enough. 

Until they brought out the croutons.  Small, plastic containers of croutons.  Crunchy, fried, dried crickets and meal worms, which are then sprinkled all over our salad.  And they bring out a "Spew Bucket" and set in on the table.  My own, personal puke bin.



IS THAT MOVING?

I don't need to go any further in this story.  Tyler won.  He had no fear.  I ate ONE small carrot. I ate food that shared a plate with a bug.  I'M A WINNER!  One other contestant managed to eat most of the salad, the rest of us fought over the bucket.  But the brothers said there were prizes for all runners-up....a box of Boogers candy.  Funny. 

So back to my leg.  "What happened", you ask?   First, I came right home and took a hot, soapy shower.  That snake left some awful smell on my arms. I was still squirming.  Then I went downstairs and we fell into an evening routine. Some TV and reading.  Two hours later, at 10 pm, I was getting into bed and touched my shin, which had been hurting.  It was the size of a softball.

SNAKEBITE!!!!


That would make a great ending to this nightmare.  No, rather Tom or kicked me in the shin at some point during the balloon game, as I was really limping right after that.  Sorry for that build up!

Now I was scared and with this causing discomfort, and my worst nightmares still dancing in my head, sleep was going to tough to come by.

Epilogue

Swelling is down as of this morning.  And my kids showed me up by posing with said Snake after the games ended. Me?  I am currently in the process of looking up the address of those brothers. I'm not going to kill them, just going to let the creatures loose in their home to terrify them. 

In the end, I am pretty sure I earned some street cred should I ever set foot on Elm Street.