Break Out Your Inner Olympian! I have.

 

I AM AN OLYMPIC CHAMPION.  Simply stated. I have been on the podium before and have brought home the gold.  More than once in fact.  Probably every Olympics since the '76 Games in Montreal. Surprised?  You shouldn't be...I am that good.  Humble about it too, as I have waited this long to tell anyone about those accomplishments.

Better yet, YOU are an Olympic Champion as well (except if we were competing in the same event, then you are a silver medalist.  A champion, but second tier quality).  Go ahead and say it out loud "I am an Olympic Champion".  Ah....doesn't that feel good.

Chances are high that everyone of us has dreamed of winning something in our lifetime, and put ourselves in the shoes of the amazing athletes we are currently watching in Sochi.  We're dreamers.  You and me.  Dreaming about what it would be like to be the best in the world, and then have the opportunity to stand atop the podium (well, I'd be on top - you may be a tier down from me), and hearing our country's anthem, Born in the USA, played.  Just kidding. I know it is God Bless America.

Unfortunately, my real Olympic dreams were over before I even had a chance. Thanks mom and dad.  You didn't push me hard enough when I was learning how not to mess my pants, to lace of the skates and master the triple lutz, all while wearing a flowing onesie.  Or turn our fun sled rides into a terrifying trip through high banks at 80 mph.  I would venture to guess that by the time in figured out what the Olympics were, it was likely 1976, and I was well behind in what should have been at least an 8 hour a day training commitment, while managing tutoring and a 4 hour round trip commute to visit my coaches.  So now I am left to dream.  I am a Olympic champion at that too.

I still have proof of my awareness of those '76 Games, in the form of a paper we wrote for school (maybe around 4th or 5th grade). Topic: Our Hero.  Guess who I wrote about?  He's still famous today, for all the wrong reasons.

I can't utter the name, so a picture will have to do. I am so ashamed. Olympic Decathlon champion. Mr. Wheaties. Mrs. Kardashian.  My hero.  Pause with me.....while I go puke. I may just go find that paper and post it for a well deserved public shaming.

Back to OUR dreams and why we are Olympic Champions.  We are all great at something.  In our minds.  We can't be beat and we dream of what it would be like to be on top of the world.  I am reminded of a joke that rotund comedian Louie Anderson once told about the Olympics he competed in.

"Broad Jump.  Killed her."  Louie should have been my hero.  He's a champion.

Greatness is not some rare DNA strand....greatness is no more unique to us than breathing.  We are all capable of it.  All of us."  I love this short 1-minute YouTube video that reminds us our greatness lies within.   Watch it at your leisure, and then....

Pause...And Dream With Me

Lets break out your inner champion.  What Olympic sport...real sport, not shuffleboard...would you be a champion?  Comment below.  Me?  Love watching the ski jumping, but have memories of "the agony of defeat".  That looks like it would hurt.  I like going fast, so perhaps the luge/skeleton. But it's too many choices, deciding to be on my stomach or back, head first or feet first.   The biathlon seems cool - two very different disciplines in shooting and skiing, but why ski when you could just lay on the ground and shoot a rifle all day with a bowl of M&Ms next to you.  Team sport, like the 4-person bobsled looks like a lot fun, but I'd probably get stuck in the middle having to keep my head down the whole time.  I need to see where we are going. I want to drive.

No, none of those.  My sport would be Curling.  It doesn't get its due, and never gets the TV air time it needs to become a mainstream sport like football in the U.S.  Can you name one great curler (I mean, besides me)?  My inner Olympic champion is waiting to spring forth.  I could enter the sport in my mid-40s and still be successful.  You see, I would be the sweeper.  I'm pretty handy with a broom, contrary to what my wife might tell you. I might need to pick up my sweeping cadence a bit to really "massage" the ice, but I've already started to get some practice at that in Colorado this winter.  I could wear colorful pants (bonus!). And I could be a part of a larger team with my friends. Not a club sport, but a real Olympic "everyman" team.  First I need someone to toss the rock.  I have just the friend and teammate in mind. Jeff (Mr. X - 5).  He was always good at keeping things low to the ground, and may bounce the rock down the ice, but we'll cover for him.  I need another fellow sweeper.  Someone good at cleaning up messes.  I'd pick one of my kids, but I'd probably tell them to pick up a broom to clean up Jeff's mess, and they'd just look at me with a "are you kidding?" expression.  So, this team spot is open - message me if interested.  We'd also need a mentor, someone who's been a previous champion and could guide us down the champion path.  My other friend, Lisa, is in.  She's kick ass.  And yes, I said "other friend" - I have two (I am on Facebook...friend me).

Finally, the team needs a coach.  Someone to shout/plead/cajole us (i.e., me) when we (i.e., me) are under-performing. If only I knew someone close to me like that....thinking....thinking...I'm sure she'll, uh...it, will hit me soon.  LET THE GAMES BEGIN....

Our team is called to the line.  Jeff pushes rock...I sweep.  Jeff grabs beer...I sweep.   Lisa polishes her medals while encouraging....I sweep.  Jeff Beer #2.  Brenda...I mean "coach" tells me I am sweeping incorrectly (hey...this is my dream, no reality at all is implied by my writing)....I re-sweep.  (sweep - doesn't that look strange being said so many times? Squirrel!).  Rock does what it's supposed to do and gets where its supposed to be.  We win!  We are draped in the American flag. Pandemonium!!!

Cue the music!  God Bless America starts blaring over the loud speakers while the crowd goes wild!!!  We get our medals and I don't just stand stoically on the podium (the top tier) like most Olympians.  I am jumping about madly, screaming wildly, yelling "pump up the music!" I start some funky dance.  Wow....that would just be wildly absurd.  Another gold medal to add to my growing dream collection! 

And then my coach brings me back to reality.  "Ken, the kids made a mess on the floor and won't clean it up. They just look at me funny. Here's a broom. Clean it up, Mr. Olympic Champion"

See you Rio in 2016. But to manage your expectations, expect a silver. I'll be defending a title.